TEENAGERS. Parents know that teenagers can be difficult and at times aren’t always a joy to be around. Parents with teens are some of my most challenging clients, but one of my favorite groups to work with. Most referrals in which parents have teens come from the teen’s probation officer and the parents are at their breaking point. There is a reason the teen is on probation, but in my experience I have found that the negative behavior is often a way of getting their parents attention. As the Parent Aide I mostly work with the parents to improve parenting skills, but I like to meet with the teen as well and ask what they feel is the problem and what they would like to get out of services. While parents are understandably looking for a “miracle” to drastically and immediately change their teens attitude and behavior, almost every time the teen’s response (after getting past “I don’t know”) is they want to spend more time with mom/dad or they would like to be able to communicate with their parents and be heard. Just like with younger children, a teen’s negative attitude and behavior may be the teen’s only way of getting their parents attention. Instead of letting their behavior push you away take the time to look beyond the behavior and see what is really going on.
When was the last time you sat down and had a conversation with your teen? You may not even know where to begin. It doesn’t have to be a big production. Jump right in. Pick a day, time, and place and go for it. Although it may be forced, relax and start the conversation with something light, such as “I know we don’t usually sit and talk, but I just wanted to see how things are going with you.” You may not get too far on the first attempt, but if you make this a regular practice this can be an opportunity to get to know your teen and allow for deeper conversations. Another excellent idea, especially if you want to allow your teen the freedom to come to you when they are ready, is writing your teen a letter. In the letter acknowledge that things have been difficult but that you are there for them and want to work towards a solution. Offer lots of encouragement, support, and clearly state that you like to further the communication. You can ask your teen to write back or come to you whenever they are ready to talk. You can even give them a place/day/time that you will available to talk (but be conscious of their schedule so that it is a time they will also be available), you could say, “Wednesdays are so hectic. Starting this Wednesday from 8:30 p.m-9:30 p.m. I’m going to sit in the kitchen with a cup of coffee to unwind. I would love if you would join me. No pressure. If this Wednesday doesn’t work for you I’ll be there every Wednesday, same time same kitchen.”
Spending as little as 10 minutes with your teen can make a difference. Try it…it really works!
